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I stressed and struggled to get the kids and the house ready for our departure. I created lists and calendars. I wrote emails and text messages. I’m sure I raised my voice a time or two, and I lost a bit of sleep. He met me there.

I flew and landed and squealed and hugged. I sat and listened during our core team time. I dreamed big and affirmed. I delegated and prayed and grew more excited by the hour. He met me there.

I welcomed and squealed and hugged. I cast vision and declared big things for the weekend. I cut shoes for kids and agreed to raise money for a nurse. I talked late into the night. He met me there.

I spent the night in the shower and the next day in bed, wrecked by a stomach virus. I missed sessions and meetings and responsibilities and fun. I cried and complained and questioned. He met me there.

I recovered and rejoined. I sat and listened, nodded and amen-ed. There were tears and tweets. I began to hope and dream for new things. I worshiped. I left feeling inspired, but also a bit overwhelmed and anxious about my responsibilities back home. He met me there.

He’s doing a good work in me, right where I am.

Last night, I wasted two full hours. This is not something I take lightly. I’d worked a long shift and gotten home late, only to try to make something of this #31days challenge and come up short. I felt like I’d hit a brick wall. I couldn’t bring any of my  ideas to life. I couldn’t even create a simple graphic. Everything just seemed so silly. I slammed my computer shut and went to bed grumpy.

This morning, I caught a glimpse of my reflection as I walked my son and daughter into the doctor’s office. It was there that the Lord gave me my #31days series.

I’m making well visit appointments on my days off work. I’m keeping apples and spare diapers in my purse. I’m teaching excuse me and pardon over what. I’m swelling up with pride when they hold doors for people. I’m laughing and crying and praising and apologizing. I’m licking my fingers before I wipe their faces and I’m melting when they worship. I’m dreaming of the life we’ll all share one day, when they’re grown and raising children of their own. I’m learning to live in the moment, to soak these creatures up for all they’re worth.

I’m doing it. I’m really living.

31 days of life-giving motherhood… because He’s called me to it, and He won’t leave me to walk it alone.

Today was launch day, and yet it was 4pm before I finally got to look at it on my own computer. Hadassah Lee had just finished nursing, and I began halfheartedly packing for our trip without actually getting up off of my bed. Avery returned my laptop after looking up synonyms and antonyms for his vocabulary words; I suddenly remembered.

Here it is, y’all. The new site! I am not a designer by a long shot, which is why I’m so grateful for Allie. She captured my messy vision beautifully, crafting it into something fresh and functional. And did I mention we moved the whole party over to WordPress? Now, to learn this new beast. I literally had to email Allie to figure out how to log in. Give me tips! Give me grace!

Oh, and I’ll need a little time, too. The Influence Conference is this week! Chris & I are hours away from boarding a plane to Indy. I won’t be writing here for several days, but be sure to follow us on Twitter and Instagram for fun conference happenings. @rachkincaid + @rckincaid on both platforms.

Until next week, friends!

This time around, I haven’t counted anything. I don’t keep track of distance between nursing sessions, or the amount of hours slept. I don’t look at scales or measure milk. I don’t think too far ahead or too far behind. I cringe when people ask me how old she is, because I don’t want to think about it. This time around, I’ve stayed right her, in each moment. I cry when her diapers grow too tight and she fights to hold her own head up; this time, out of sadness instead of relief. I simply can’t use the word redemptive enough.

It absolutely took me three newborns to get here, and I have no regrets. But oh, how I wish I could go back do it over with each of my other children. Even for just a day. Instead, I’ll rest in the joy that is Hadassah Lee. And I’ll shout it from the rooftops, to any pregnant or new moms who will listen… please, for the love of all things precious, do yourself a favor and stop counting.

About a month ago, I took Honor Rose’s pacifier. I’d wanted to for a long time, but there was something holding me back. It made her different, since none of our other babies had preferred them. It also kept her little, kept her baby-like. I didn’t want to rock the boat with a new baby coming, either. But there was so much drool and hassle involved with keeping up with Honor’s “pass.” I could sense the day was coming.

And then one morning, there was an incident. I will not go into detail, to spare both my daughter and the faint of heart. But it was gross, y’all. And I was done. Honor cried while I threw every pacifier I could find in the garbage. I held her and rubbed her back and told her we were all done with the “pass.” I told her it was time for her to be a big girl. She stopped crying and took a nap without incident. That night, she did not ask for her pacifier. She hasn’t since.

As small as it was, I missed the opportunity to make this a special occasion for Honor. Frankly, I took my daughter’s pacifier out of anger. I’m not much of a milestone mom, either, which stirs up a whole other set of emotions. I wish I was, but it’s just not in me. My neurotic personality wants to put so much pressure on these events and seasons that sometimes I avoid them altogether. The picture above was supposed to be a sweet first photo shoot at home after Hadassah’s birth. I couldn’t get a good shot, though, so I never shared these. As I opened the folder just now, I realized I haven’t even used our real camera in nearly a month.

I’ve come to learn, though, that there’s grace in the rage and the missed milestones. It’s a place of beautiful, painful refinement. Sometimes, the pictures are blurry. There are awkward mullets and limbs full of bug bites. Sometimes, I let my temper get the best of me. Sometimes, I forget the camera or the event altogether. And still, there’s grace. I’m taking a huge helping for myself these days. Care to join me?

This momma may be a bit tired these days, but I promise she is excited about the Influence Conference at the end of the month!

Today, I’m linking up with the Influence blog for a little pre-conference meet & greet. Two things I’m bringing, plus two things I’m looking forward to? Easy!

In addition to a substantial amount of under-eye concealer, I’m bringing my cowboy boots. In fact, I’m not just bringing them. I’m going for a statement look, I guess, because they’re the only shoes coming with me. Looks like it’s gonna be a hoedown, all weekend long!

In addition to making new friends, I’m really excited about soaking up time with ladies who have grown near and dear to my heart since last year’s conference. I’ve also been stalking the list of vendors at the Sashes market. Y’all are going to love it. I can’t wait to get my hands on some goodies!

Looking forward to seeing what the rest of you are bringing and anticipating… this is sort of like summer camp for grown-ups, huh? I’m into it. I’ve been getting real-life butterflies just looking at the schedule this last week.

Feeling a little late to the game? It’s okay. We’ll still take you! To those of you with tickets, I’ll see you in a few weeks! Be sure to say hi. Take it easy on me, though, okay? I’m not a hugger.