to remember.

I snapped this photo two days after we got home from the hospital. I refer to it often, as it represents my hardest postpartum day to date. It was one of those dark days where I wanted to fast-forward to the future and rewind to the past, at the same time. One of those days where I could not place the blame on any one thing. I had a lot going on in my head and my heart. I simply remember the day hurting me something fierce, throughout its entirety. It was lonely and long. Raw and sore. Heavy and emotional.

And still, we made it through. And she looked like this, in that moment where I swallowed the tears to keep them from dripping onto her sweet-smelling head. I could see the light even then, even in that moment. This day will fade, and so will the yuck.

But my daughter? She will still look like this, on this day, in the photo I take. If I take it.

So I did. Because this is what I wanted to remember.

11 thoughts on “to remember.”

  1. Reeeally nice to know you are human. Thanks for sharing this. It’s sometimes difficult to be on the other side of a computer screen, reading only what someone chooses to share, knowing it’s not the whole picture…but it sure looks a heck of a lot easier than your picture!
    The second day after I brought my daughter home was the day my postpartum began and I have always considered it a day that I will never forget…a turning point for me and the beginning of a very long but cathartic journey. Thank you for your honesty within a forum that can make it all too easy sometimes to avoid the important and not always pretty things in life.

  2. I’m a new reader and I have fallen in love with your family. This post, though, sent me over the edge into complete adoration. You don’t shy away from sharing the harder times and I think that makes you one of the best mom bloggers I’ve seen. You seem so perfect and together that it would be so easy to just ignore these darker feelings but admitting them shows just how strong you are. Keep being a wonderful role model and light for the Lord, girl. We need more like you.

  3. Rachael–not going to get too dark here, so I will just say if there were more like you who would speak truthfully about the postpartum period–well, I think there would be a lot more “she’ll be ok, we’ll give her space but stay close to help her cope and get through it.” and also a lot more recognition of the moms who slide past “ok” into “she needs help right NOW.” If more women would just talk openly about what they are feeling, and not judge themselves by the Hollywood nonsense of childbirth and postpartum, we could do so much more to help those who feel isolated and scared. Keep the “real” coming, girl, you serve Him by helping others so much with your honesty!

  4. man she is stunningly beautiful. so glad you snapped this. not looking forward to days like that. had them with M and know they will come again. but looking back on the hard days with new born M, they were so beautiful and so real. raw is the perfect word. but so nice when everything else, all pretenses and masks drop and you just have to wrestle with what you have and cry/scream to our savior. fight it out. i remember it hard. but i remember it redemptive.

    thanks for linking up. love you friend

  5. I shared this on Twitter already but wanted to say that I feel like you captured those first few days so well. The beauty and the loneliness. Suspension of the rules as you move forward somehow. Will remember to re-read this when we welcome #3 in January!

  6. Thank you for talking about those days. They are so rough and raw and lonely. It feels like homesickness. Like you’re missing something you can’t put your finger on. Lovely photo too. That is one pretty baby!

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