there is grace, and i’ve finally found it.

About a month ago, I took Honor Rose’s pacifier. I’d wanted to for a long time, but there was something holding me back. It made her different, since none of our other babies had preferred them. It also kept her little, kept her baby-like. I didn’t want to rock the boat with a new baby coming, either. But there was so much drool and hassle involved with keeping up with Honor’s “pass.” I could sense the day was coming.

And then one morning, there was an incident. I will not go into detail, to spare both my daughter and the faint of heart. But it was gross, y’all. And I was done. Honor cried while I threw every pacifier I could find in the garbage. I held her and rubbed her back and told her we were all done with the “pass.” I told her it was time for her to be a big girl. She stopped crying and took a nap without incident. That night, she did not ask for her pacifier. She hasn’t since.

As small as it was, I missed the opportunity to make this a special occasion for Honor. Frankly, I took my daughter’s pacifier out of anger. I’m not much of a milestone mom, either, which stirs up a whole other set of emotions. I wish I was, but it’s just not in me. My neurotic personality wants to put so much pressure on these events and seasons that sometimes I avoid them altogether. The picture above was supposed to be a sweet first photo shoot at home after Hadassah’s birth. I couldn’t get a good shot, though, so I never shared these. As I opened the folder just now, I realized I haven’t even used our real camera in nearly a month.

I’ve come to learn, though, that there’s grace in the rage and the missed milestones. It’s a place of beautiful, painful refinement. Sometimes, the pictures are blurry. There are awkward mullets and limbs full of bug bites. Sometimes, I let my temper get the best of me. Sometimes, I forget the camera or the event altogether. And still, there’s grace. I’m taking a huge helping for myself these days. Care to join me?

5 thoughts on “there is grace, and i’ve finally found it.”

  1. What a great photo, capturing such honesty. This past month, I’ve been horrible at bringing out my camera as well. Trying to get reaquainted with it, but it’s easier said than done with a newborn in the house, lol. Some moments are just better lived, than captured :b

    Wishing you and your family a lovely weekend.

  2. To me….this shot is a great shot! It captures the raw and so very real love and affection your family has for this tiny creature. All four of them are so interested in Hadassah. You can see it in their faces. And even though none of them are looking at the camera they are looking at something more important….the subject of the photos shoot.

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