sometimes, God is uncooperative

I learned a few things last week/end that made me grit my teeth. 
And breathe a sigh of relief. 
At the same time.
Sometimes, God says no. 
Not later, not how about this instead, not we’ll see… Just no.
I’m not used to this. I’ve worked hard to get where I am in life, and I’ve been blessed beyond belief. I’ve enjoyed a supportive family and community, and I’ve found favor with opportunities regarding school and jobs. Even the house we built and the cars we bought seemed to fall into place at the perfect times. For the most part, I’ve never been told no.
Until now. I feel it brewing, and it leaves me so unsettled. We’ve fallen in love with a dream house (less money, more land, same schools. C’mon, Lord!) that will most likely not work out for us, and it makes me sad. I’m not making enough money at my job to keep us stress-free throughout the month, and it makes me stressed. Our vehicles show some serious wear and tear, and it makes me worried. For what feels like the first time in my life, I can feel God preparing me for a few no’s. Where does that leave me?
While it doesn’t make me doubt His existence, it does leave me feeling frustrated and indignant. I think I’m a reasonable person. My dreams have always been achievable. Why can’t I convince God to help my plans come to fruition? I also feel entitled – so entitled. I’ve got kids to raise. I’ve got a husband in ministry to support. I’ve got free time to protect. I’ve got, I’ve got, I’ve got.
What I’m learning is this: When He tells me no, it’s because He wants me to know that His grace is sufficient for me. End of story. If I never make enough money at my job to get through the month without struggling, His grace is still sufficient. If we never get into our dream house, His grace is still sufficient. If I never get the opportunity to stay at home full-time, His grace is still sufficient. If we have to sacrifice everything to help Isaiah Jane reach basic milestones, His grace is still sufficient.
But what does that even mean? How will His grace help me pay the bills, or obtain a sense of calm and peace and contentment?
It means that from the moment I was born, I deserved death. It means that every day, I wake up and screw up. It means that I regularly do things that most likely make God scratch His head and pull His lips tight.
And yet He still loves me. He still smiles when I tilt my heart towards Him, and He longs to share the load and take the things that burden my shoulders. He’s still proud of me. And most importantly, He’s still faithful. He’s still willing to complete the work He started in me, if I’m still willing to commit to the ride.

20 thoughts on “sometimes, God is uncooperative”

    1. Rachael, I had an amazing mentor who happened to be a Priest in college. Whenever I used to hide behind, “it could be worse,” for fear that my worries seemed trivial, he used to tell me the most wonderful thing (at least I think so! :) “Everybody’s shoes hurt in different places, their walk takes them in different painful and joyful directions, but their shoes rub uncomfortably nonetheless. Do not discount the smallest blister in comparison of the largest.” Prayin’ for you! Your honesty is such a gift to those of us who are also prone to worry. :)

  1. I needed to read this today. Beautiful words. During times like these, I always go back to:
    Matthew 6:25-34
    “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

  2. Its just like God to say no only to increase our faith in Him. Making us reject our own wisdom and instead take in the infinite wisdom of God,

    Isaiah 42:16 I wil lead the blind by a way they do not know, in paths they do not knowI will guide them. I will make the darkness into light before them and rugged places into plains.

    He is leading your family onto paths that you do not know, he is guiding you to the place He wants you to be. Believe me I know from experience this is tough (I am a pen person and want everything written down/what to expect out of any situation) but God teaches us through faith and through circumstances. Its so encouraging to see you still lean on His leading.

  3. I was in a similar place earlier this year. We had a dream of moving to Dilworth. It’s a bit out of our reach financially, but we found a foreclosure for super cheap and put in a bid last summer. We didn’t get the house, but we kept looking. I found a house that was double what we could afford, but I fell in love. I dreamed of foster parenting children in that home and providing them with a safe and beautiful place to be loved on. C’mon God isn’t that a beautiful dream? I felt so heart sick over it.

    We ended up buying a home closer to where I work, and the hubby got an awesome job teaching in the area. We also found out we were pregnant with our first after moving. The dream is still there (maybe one day someday), but it has given way to a different dream in this season with it’s own heartaches. I really want to be able to stay home, but it is just not financially feasible for us right now. I’m just trusting that He will provide the right child care for our baby when he arrives.

    He maybe saying “No” right now, but He won’t leave you there.

  4. Rachael, I just want to thank you for keepin it real on your blog. I am encouraged by your honesty and journey in Life and with the Lord. Your transparency and journey is reaching people!

  5. Some never learn to be thankful for what they have. You are no more entitled than anyone else. If you guys are so Christian, then your husband needs to get a job and support his family.

    1. 1 – My blog (and this pots) ooze thankfulness most days. I know how good we have it and I try to keep a healthy perspective on that.

      2 – I have absolutely no idea where the Christian comment came from. That was just silly.

      3 – My husband has a job…? He works as many hours as I do each week, but he just happens to make less money because he works for a church. I hate to be tacky and air the details, but we’re doing just fine financially.

      Yikes! I’m sorry you misread and misunderstood. Hopefully, you’ll let me help you get it straight.

  6. I have three jobs, THANK YOU! 1)The church. 2) Official title : Mr. Mom. 3) I dance down at the club for our eatin’ out money. But next time, leave your name so we can have ourselves a pleasant conversation about it.

    Bitter Bunny, party of one, your table is ready.

    1. Which club is that? I mean, in case I know someone who might want to go, or something… I realize you’re taken, but I wouldn’t mind seeing somma that ;)

  7. I think its great that you guys are doing what’s right for you and your family. I think that no matter the season/the situation/the want/the need, we often find ourselves in a state of discontent. Its what makes us human. Its why we are called to give ourselves over to God’s will and to continue striving for understanding.

    I will never understand why people anonymously comment nasty things on blogs. There are so many negative, yucky things happening in the world, perhaps extending grace and kindness and others would help Anonymous to feel those in return. So what if you’re not perfect? No one is. You’re brave enough to talk about it, to be transparent and bold–and quite frankly, I think the world could use more Christians like that.

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