out of control

It’s official y’all – I’m over being pregnant. I hurt and hurt and hurt some more. My maternity clothes no longer fit. My ribs are bruised. I cannot sleep for longer than two hours at a time. My lady parts ache. I cannot hold my son on my lap or carry him up the stairs. I contract constantly, even when sitting down and drinking lots of water. And I’m only 31 weeks. During one low moment last week (I had the flu or something for a day), I considered calling the OB and begging him to section me, just so I can be done with it. Me! The natural-birth junkie!
I have no idea when or where the sisters will be born, how they will come, or who will catch them. To a birth photographer, there is a big difference between the sisters being born at home versus being cut out of me in an operating room. To a midwife and an OB, there is a big difference between a set of vertex twins and a set of breech twins. To a neonatologist, there is a big difference between my daughters coming at 32 weeks and my daughters coming at 36 weeks. I have no idea when/if I’ll go on bedrest, how many weeks I’ll have off from work, and whether or not the twins will be in the NICU. We are literally taking things one day at a time. I’m not at liberty to share my plans, simply because I have no idea how it will turn out. All of these variables make my head spin. I know that in the end, healthy babies are what’s important and everything else should not matter. But I’d be lying if I said the process is not important to me. It is.
And don’t even get me started on the gear. We’re slowly accumulating two of everything. The nursery is already a bit crowded, and nothing like I’d pictured. And to think – we’ll probably have to buy even more stuff. From what I’ve been told, we basically need all of the gear I swore I’d never use. My friend was right when she told me having twins really throws off a mama’s attachment-parenting vibe.
How am I going to wear them both? I love babywearing, and I’m not sure I want to master the art of the double stroller. And breastfeeding? The thought of tandem nursing overwhelms me. What about my husband’s and my teamwork dynamic? I imagine we won’t be trading off and giving each other as many breaks as we do now.
This is one of the first times in my life that I’ve felt like this – totally out of control. And you know what? It’s okay. I’ve got my God and my man and my family, all of whom love me something fierce. I care about my well-being and the health of my daughters, and I’m doing my best to take care of all three of us and make informed decisions without regret. I’m learning to give myself grace in the area of parenting choices, and I will continue to do so when the sisters arrive.
This is going to be such a beautiful season. And although I know I might not be ready for it right now, I will be when the time comes.

9 thoughts on “out of control”

  1. I can’t imagine all of the thoughts that are running through your head. I’m sure it’s overwhelming. But all the wonderful support you have will most certainly come in hand. And it’s great that you are giving yourself so much grace. Things hardly work out as we plan and knowing that God is in control is such a relief when life gets out of control.

  2. Rachael,

    you just said everything i’m feeling that i don’t know how to put into words.

    thank you. everything you said resonates so well with me.

    huge hugs, mama. we’ll make it through this unknown path!

  3. I just want you to know how much I feel you. I HATE feeling out of control & it is my least favorite part of pregnancy, especially when the playing field is as rough as it is for us women. Remember Jesus is the MASTER Physican & He loves you & the sisters more than you could imagine!

  4. Rachael,

    You are doing great! I’m in awe of how beautiful you look, how realistic and flexible you’re being, and how honest you are.

    Have you considered getting a birth doula and/or a postpartum doula to support you? A good birth doula will help you through these last few weeks, as well.

    HUGS and prayers for you, the sisters, and your whole family! ?

  5. Whatever happens don’t forget to ask for our help! In whatever way we can, even if its meals for the first 6 months!

    Love and peace!

  6. PLEASE let me know if you need anything. I am not a mama quite yet, but I can seriously organize and get stuff done like a wild woman.

    If you need help organizing and preparing the nursery, let me know. If I need to run some errands or whatever you guys need.

    For you to write a post like this…I know you must really be feeling “over it” and uncomfortable :(

    xoxo

  7. linked to your blog via That Mama Gretchen – and perfect timing! We found out we’re having twins too, and at 15 weeks I went from under midwifery care at a natural waterbirth center to a perinatologist’s office that wants to do u/s every 2 weeks…talk about shocking. Thanks for keeping it in perspective for me :)

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