God’s been brewing something in my heart over the last few months, and it hasn’t exactly been cute. My flesh has been feeling been pretty dark and stormy. You see, it’s been made very clear to me that I need to trim a few things out of my life this year. I know that I’m busy. Too busy. I admit that it’s not sustainable for me at this point in my life, and that I need to do something about it rather quickly.
The idea of less responsibility and more free time scares me. Most people would be grateful to carve more time out for family or relaxation, but I just don’t feel like I’m wired that way. I don’t feel that I’ve yet grown into my identity as a mother. It just doesn’t feel natural to me, and I fight shame about that on a regular basis. Instead, I define myself by staying busy… by saying yes, by being dependable to as many people as will let me. The ugly truth is, I know some things need to change before they fall apart entirely. And yet I don’t know where to start.
So it’s been brewing. I’ve tried to bring it up a few times, with Chris or my mom or anyone who will listen. But I usually end up turning the conversation into something noncommittal, with words like margin and reevaluate. It feels awkward to share, because I don’t really have any clear direction yet. At the risk of sounding vague, I’m truly just scared to say things out loud.
The other night, I recorded a voice memo to help me organize my thoughts for this post. In fact, I wasn’t even sure if this would turn into a post at all. I had to pop into work after dinner for something extra, and I was not very happy about leaving my warm pajamas. On the short drive over, I simply put my phone down in my lap and started talking. I wanted to remember the way that this felt – a lightbulb moment that struck me so poignantly during the first week of this new year.
I still don’t have clarity on what this means for my heart or my endeavors or my skills or my career or my future in 2013… but after listening back a few times, I feel like I’m getting somewhere. Instead of transcribing this silly ol’ voice memo into a typical blog post, I figured I might as well just share it with you in its original form.