the pain & the peace

Last night, I traded off between nursing a newborn and nursing a headache. The baby (and my husband) slept amazingly well; I barely slept at all. My head pounded in a way that made me want to revisit labor all over again. Once I’d used all of the meds and the peppermint oil and the heating pad to no avail, I got up and took a bath. Afterward, I crawled back into bed and tried to ignore the throbbing in my head. I cuddled up to a sleeping Hadassah Lee and waited for morning, feeling discouraged and defeated. It was at that moment I felt it. Strong and unmistakable, my daughter’s heartbeat against mine.

I reminded myself at that moment that the sun would come up. The animals would come marching two by two down the stairs, anxious to play with each other and eat their breakfast. The headache would fade (or not), and our lives would go on.

There has never been a more chaotic season in my life, yet never a more peaceful one. Each time someone raises an eyebrow at our Brady Bunch or asks how we do it, I want to shout it from the rooftops – it just gets easier and easier, y’all.

There is more love to go around.
There is more patience to pour on each head.
There is more joy at each small moment.
Like a heart pounding through a tiny chest…
reminding me who I am and where I belong, and what really matters.

16 thoughts on “the pain & the peace”

  1. yes. what jessi said. i only have three. my youngest is 10 weeks and sleeping through the night and i still don’t have that kind of fortitude or peace.

  2. so, so beautiful. this makes me so excited for whats ahead. my own little clan to love and pour into by the grace of Jesus. truly, thats what shines through your life and your writing. grace upon grace. and lots of joy too.

  3. beautiful words! really encouraging to a nervous mama who is about to welcome one more.
    also- i was totally thinking that y’all were like the brady bunch with 3 & 3!

    1. The one-to-two transition is difficult, or so I’ve heard! Give yourself grace; it’s scary to think about sharing your time/space/body/love! Get ready for your heart to explode, though. It’s so much fun.

  4. i totally agree with jessi and mackenzie! you are an amazing inspiration and i pray that i can be a momma and wife like you. i’ve adored you since the day i met you.

  5. An off the wall question but one that cured the horrible headaches of three people in our family–Could you by any chance be clenching/grinding your teeth without realizing it? Three of us had this problem in our family, pain so bad we couldn’t sleep, didn’t get better during the day and all three of us were told by the dentist that he could see evidence of tooth grinding or clenching. We all got bite guards to sleep in and the headaches disappeared.

  6. An off the wall question but one that cured the horrible headaches of three people in our family–Could you by any chance be clenching/grinding your teeth without realizing it? Three of us had this problem in our family, pain so bad we couldn’t sleep, didn’t get better during the day and all three of us were told by the dentist that he could see evidence of tooth grinding or clenching. We all got bite guards to sleep in and the headaches disappeared.

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