I’m coming out.

P1080792

Hadassah Lee has been the easiest, happiest baby I’ve ever known. It’s become a running joke in our family, that she’s everyone’s favorite Kincaid kid. When I look at her, I literally feel as if I’m floating. When I hold her, I feel grounded and sure. She was the bright spot in a difficult year, but she did not overcome the darkness entirely. This little chubby smiling thing is not enough to restore the joy that’s been threatened, as I’ve muscled and fought through difficulties in nearly every other area of my life. And she shouldn’t be enough. I accept that nothing here on earth can seep into all of those cracks, enough to heal wounds and frustration and anxiety. But what happens when you know the One who is enough, but you still feel sad and angry most of the time?  What happens when you know the Truth and can’t seem to get it to sink in?

Over the last several weeks, I’ve felt my resolve slipping and my heart sinking into a depression. In the past, I’ve written about these postpartum seasons after emerging from them, but I feel a little differently about it right now. Maybe sharing thoughts and feelings and realizations during this process will bring a little more life to my heart and to a few of my readers. As I mentioned last week, I started seeing a counselor for the first time ever. I already feel myself thawing a bit after just one session. I’m looking forward to feeling like myself again, but I’m also taking the time to soak a bit in this pain and see what the Lord has for me here. I hope that makes sense. You guys are incredible. Thanks for taking this journey with me. And thanks, Joules, for this amazing sweater. I wear it too often. For real.

8 thoughts on “I’m coming out.”

  1. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for being real and open. It’s not easy, especially for mamas, to deal with depression while trying to be in the now, happy and joyous for the season we’re in. So glad that you’re seeing results from your visit with your counselor!

  2. I listened to a sermon by Tim Keller called “joy- overcoming boredom” this weekend in which he said something that changed me. He said that he knows (second hand) from watching his wife give birth 3 times that the pain of labor is overcome by joy when the baby arrives. This is not a new concept; comparing the Christian life/salvation to childbirth. Then, he said this “but the pain doesn’t go away.” Labor is over, joy has arrived, but the pain doesn’t go away. There is still a lot of pain and lot of clean-up and a lot of recovery that has to happen. It doesn’t discount the joy of having that new baby. He goes on to discuss how Jesus was described as a Man of Sorrows. Keller said he only knows of 1 place in Scripture where Jesus laughs. He weeps, He mourns, He cries out often, but there is only one laugh recorded in all of Scripture.
    These concepts were very eye-opening for me and gave me some freedom to lean into the painful & hard places in my life. I thought I’d share because your blog encourages me on a regular basis and I hope to give little of that back with these words :)

  3. Thank you so, so much for sharing this. I understand muscling and fighting, and I understand the little bits of thaw that can occur from counseling – it made such a massive difference for me. So grateful for your honesty and transparency, it encourages the rest of us to press on.

  4. I suffered from postpartum after my first, but didn’t realize until after the whole episode was over, years later. I hope that knowing and working on it while its happening helps you to overcome quicker. Its awful when you know what a wonderful life you have but can’t enjoy it. Keep hugging that baby and the rest of your wonderful family, and keep praying!

  5. I was just talking to a friend about how I’m so much more comfortable talking about these things, especially struggles with emotional and mental health, after I’m already on the other side, but not so much while I’m in it. It’s scary and takes some major courage to be weak and let Him be strong inside the weakness and then to share it just as it is – not all neat and packaged into a testimony of overcoming. Thank you for having courage to be in it and to share it. I’ve been in counseling the last two months as well and I can relate to the thawing – it’s a bit of a deep breath.

  6. I have found that sometimes depression pops up and surprises me, even though I’m years removed from the “baby blues” time period. I have a feeling that is all an ebb and flow, and thank you for putting a voice to your feelings. It’s nice to know that the experience is different for everyone, and that it doesn’t always fit a nice and neat timeline. Hope you’re feeling better soon.

    jesse

Comments are closed.