Hadassah Lee has been the easiest, happiest baby I’ve ever known. It’s become a running joke in our family, that she’s everyone’s favorite Kincaid kid. When I look at her, I literally feel as if I’m floating. When I hold her, I feel grounded and sure. She was the bright spot in a difficult year, but she did not overcome the darkness entirely. This little chubby smiling thing is not enough to restore the joy that’s been threatened, as I’ve muscled and fought through difficulties in nearly every other area of my life. And she shouldn’t be enough. I accept that nothing here on earth can seep into all of those cracks, enough to heal wounds and frustration and anxiety. But what happens when you know the One who is enough, but you still feel sad and angry most of the time? What happens when you know the Truth and can’t seem to get it to sink in?
Over the last several weeks, I’ve felt my resolve slipping and my heart sinking into a depression. In the past, I’ve written about these postpartum seasons after emerging from them, but I feel a little differently about it right now. Maybe sharing thoughts and feelings and realizations during this process will bring a little more life to my heart and to a few of my readers. As I mentioned last week, I started seeing a counselor for the first time ever. I already feel myself thawing a bit after just one session. I’m looking forward to feeling like myself again, but I’m also taking the time to soak a bit in this pain and see what the Lord has for me here. I hope that makes sense. You guys are incredible. Thanks for taking this journey with me. And thanks, Joules, for this amazing sweater. I wear it too often. For real.