I listened, and so I’m leaving.

It’s been years since I dusted off my resume, or interviewed for a new job. I love where I am and I love what I do, and there was just no reason to change it. But then suddenly, there was.

Suddenly, there were too many schedule conflicts with family events and work. There were weeks I didn’t see my kids for three days straight. There were nights I’d kiss a head in the dark and hear, “Are you gonna be here when I wake up Momma? I just like to know.”

Suddenly, this idea of online life as a hobby flew out of the window. Being online is literally a job for me now, one that is life-giving and hopefully very permanent. There were weeks I stayed up too far past my bedtime, trying to beat deadlines and answer emails before my alarm went off for work. There were nights leading up to the conference where I looked at my husband and shook my head from behind my computer screen, as he got up to make me another pot of coffee.

Suddenly, there were aches and pains. There were weeks I worked three in a row and wondered how on earth I’d done it until now. There were nights I’d limp in from work and collapse on the couch, unable to muster enough energy for so much as a conversation. My days off became a blurry blend of recovery and productivity, and I couldn’t seem to nail down a rhythm anymore like I’d done so easily in years past.

But I fought it all off, for what seemed like months. I love where I am. I love what I do. I love my patients. I love my surgeons. I love my team. I love my facility. I love my company. I am good at this. This is what I do. This is where I work. This is who I am. There was just no reason to change it. But there was.

As the school year swung in, I couldn’t ignore that voice any longer – the one that said, It’s not about you and what you love. It was time to explore other options, options that would give me a slower pace, a more structured routine, and more time at home with my family and other responsibilities.

So I dusted off the resume, and I interviewed for a new job. And I got it. I’ll be managing a patient caseload for a hospice agency here in town, doing weekly home visits and coordinating services for families in my county. I know that working with dying people is something that’s made me come alive in the past (a little ironic, I guess), so I’m trusting it will be a good fit for this next season.

Crying as I write this, I’m headed into my last week of work at the hospital. It feels weird to even type it out clearly. I’m leaving my job. I’d be lying if I said I felt great about it. I’m worried about what people will think. I’m worried about not mattering anymore, about starting over in a new environment where I’m new and unsure. I’m worried about losing touch with what has become a second family to me.

But I literally don’t have room for the worry. Not a spare inch. So I’m going to fill that space with lovely things instead, things that are pure. I am excited about being obedient. I feel great about listening to the still, small voice. I look forward to learning something new, and of course… being home for dinner every night. This new chapter feels brave, so I’m going with that.

8 thoughts on “I listened, and so I’m leaving.”

  1. Praying for you, Rach. I can imagine how wonderful and how scary this all must be. Praying you through schedule and season transitions into a deeper relationship with the Lord and your family. Excited to journey with ya ;)

  2. Obedience is so tricky when we think about it too much. When we wrap up our emotions in decisions. But isn’t it a simple request made by God? Follow me.

    Thank you for bearing your thoughts behind this decision and leading with an example of obedience. I learn so much about being a working mom from you. So thankful for our friendship.

  3. Two years ago I did the same thing for similar reasons. It was scary. Losing the familiarity of my work, as well as simply being known by co-workers, was hard. I can relate with so much of what you wrote. I still worry about not mattering some days. But, I’m still in touch with those who felt like family at my old job, and now I’m two years into this journey. God is so good and faithful to walk with us where He leads.

    Congratulations on the new gig!!

  4. Congratulations on the new job! Best of luck to you in this new endeavor! I’m sure you will adjust to the change and do great!

  5. Congrats! I look forward to working with you again!!! You may question and second guess yourself for several months as you adapt- then one day, you will wonder how you did not start this sooner. My life has dramatically changed due to this job. I love being home when my kids leave for school and again when they get home!!! You will be great!!!

  6. Congratulations Rach! How exciting, yet a bit scary it must be. I know you’ve mentioned that you wanted less time at work to fill your other callings and I am glad you listened to God and that he brought a way for you to do it! I will be praying for you!

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