This post feels like one big repeat. I know I’ve made note of these thoughts over the last several months. I must have something else to learn, though, because this stuff keeps a-bubblin’ up over & over!
All in favor of Kincaid parade expansion, raise your hand.
All in favor of Kincaid parade expansion, raise your hand.
We’ll go with the majority.
It’s been super bittersweet these last few weeks. I tear up at least once a day, usually while I’m dressing the girls or buckling them into their stroller for an afternoon walk. Maybe it’s centered around Ames’ birthday. I no longer have three under two. These moments are so fleeting. In just a few months, the sisters won’t smell like they do now, or wear the tiny clothes they do now. They will become more mobile, more independent.
In a way, I stare at the sisters and mourn the passing of each day. Like Ames, they are growing in front of my face. Soon, they will not make those sweet suckling sounds on their pacifiers. Isaiah Jane has already ditched hers in favor of her thumb. Soon, they will no longer need me for sustenance. We’ve already ventured into the world of solids and I am no longer the sole provider of their nourishment.
It is such a beautiful process, and I’m thankful for it. As I’ve said plenty of times before, I’m not great about the newborn stage, so it’s sort of nice to get these days behind us. But I’m having a hard time finding closure. Do we stop having kids because another one would force us into a fifteen-passenger van? Are we obligated to send each one to college, or buy each one a car? With these beds Chris created, we could practically fit four to a bedroom. Where do we draw the line?
I feel like things are crazy now, but they are manageable. We can all ride in one vehicle to a restaurant and have a meal together. Kids aren’t spilling out of every nook & cranny in our home. The big ones help with the little ones. We’ve hit our stride.
But every day, a small part of me longs for more babies. This article really spoke to me. Children are a blessing, not a burden. Children don’t inhibit my marriage or career or leisure time; they enhance it.
I’d love to have another home birth, in this home we’ve built and created for ourselves. I’d love to watch the sisters get a chance to mother younger siblings of their own. I’d love to be able to give another baby the patience and affection I’ve learned over the last few years. I’m wiser now.
But I’ll be saying that the rest of my life, won’t I? Hindsight is always 20/20. I look back at Ames’ first three months and weep, every single time. We’re destined to learn a new trick or find a new product and wish we’d used it on the last kid. Eventually, even my ninth or tenth child would walk and wean and I’d be left without again… a sweet reminder to keep my family marriage-centered, right?
Some of these milestones are liberating. At some point, we need to leave childbearing behind us. We need to move forward and raise our kids. I am excited about growing old with them.
Someday, Chris & I will take a trip by ourselves.
Someday, everyone will be walking on their own two feet, hand-in-hand.
Someday, I will not have to pack diapers and snacks for outings.
Someday, we will all sleep through the night again.
Someday, we will come up for air.
But these days, we’re drowning in babies and I love it.
12 Comments
Sweetness. I spent a couple months thinking about pregnancy and how much I wanted to carry another child. During that time I had trouble discerning if my desire was more to be pregnant or more to have another child. I, too, was spending time mourning my daughters’ babyhood. People refer to them as toddler, kids, little people, but I want them to be my babies.
I have realized that it is another child that I long for. My husband and I have decided to pursue adoption at some point in the next couple years. It breaks my heart that I won’t be able to carry my next child or nurse him/her, but I know my family will grow.
It is beautiful that you are working on finding peace in your decisions. And who knows, maybe someday there will be another baby, or a foster child, or a friend who needs lots and lots of help with her baby. And then, of course, there will be grandchildren, too. Right?
@Sandra – you are so right on so many points here! I love it. I read your comment several times, just to soak it all in. Oh, and there are plenty of breastfeeding adoptive moms out there so don’t knock it yet :)
This post was so beautiful – I actually started to tear up! I never wanted children and I guess I’ve kinda seen children as a burden until my daughter and then this past year I’ve realized how much I’d love to have another child….my husband says we aren’t in the place to have another one and I don’t want to wait forever since Gianna is almost 5 already. So I live through everyone else having babies! Lol!
I only have one and she’s about to be 1 years old and I’m already ready for another one in diapers! :) We said we’d be ok with 2 but we’ll see when that time comes. :)
i so hear you on this! i wrote a post not long ago about my thoughts. can’t quite seem to shake it yet myself. maybe because the twin pregnancy & newborn stage was so trying & i know i could rock another one. or if my family feels incomplete and there’s still room for one more at the table…
just give it time. we set a time limit to ponder it…no decisions until the twins turn 2 then we’ll see how the family is looking/feeling then. it’s hard when you love kids!
enjoy that pile of babies :) off to fix lunch for mine.
This post spoke to me on so many levels, I have been begging and I mean begging for a 3rd baby for 3 years, 3 years people! How do you close the door when your heart and body want another child but your husband does not? We have an 8 year old girl a 4 year old boy and I am 34, time to get moving onto a 3rd but my husband is just not on board, my heart breeaks everyday. I cry, I pout, I beg, and beg more, it’s been a huge rift in our marriage and our lives. I try to leave it in God’s hands because in the end it’s hHis will for my life not my will but I pray that He may soften my husbands heart to just one more baby in this house.
My vote, always and forever, is to go with what you feel peace about. Peace is the presence of God (not the absence of conflict or struggle) and I know He has a plan for the Kincaids.
I love your family!
We have 3 and I always go back and forth with this. I wonder if I will ever truly feel done like I have heard some women say.
It’s amazing how personal the topic of having children is – I don’t know if this happens to you but since I’m a mom of twins like you, people almost always assume we’re done having kids and actually say things like “well, at least you got it over with in one shot!” People can be so cukoo sometimes. It really just comes down to what your heart tells you.
I love what you say about there coming a time when we will have to leave the child-bearing years behind. No matter the yearning. It’s a bittersweet reminder of how nothing in life can stay the same.
xo
cortnie
Love this post. Love it. I made a mistake in my child bearing years. I had three babies by the time I was 24 and made the decision to stop. When I was 35, my babies were grown. I wish I had had two more. :( All that said, I never lost the desire to have them, so I probably did what was best for us.
What a beautiful post you wrote! I especially love your last sentence :) We’re expecting our first, and I’m a teacher and my husband’s in grad school. Most days we’re not sure how it’ll work out, but we remember that all children are a blessing and we are simply thrilled. Thanks a for another beautiful reminder!
What a beautiful post!!! I hear you. Although we are finished at two, it does make me sad to think that Archer’s baby days will fly by. I love drowning in babies! But my body can’t handle any more pregnancies, so…a mother of two I am and am thankful to have that many :)