This post feels like one big repeat. I know I’ve made note of these thoughts over the last several months. I must have something else to learn, though, because this stuff keeps a-bubblin’ up over & over!
All in favor of Kincaid parade expansion, raise your hand.
We’ll go with the majority.
It’s been super bittersweet these last few weeks. I tear up at least once a day, usually while I’m dressing the girls or buckling them into their stroller for an afternoon walk. Maybe it’s centered around Ames’ birthday. I no longer have three under two. These moments are so fleeting. In just a few months, the sisters won’t smell like they do now, or wear the tiny clothes they do now. They will become more mobile, more independent.
In a way, I stare at the sisters and mourn the passing of each day. Like Ames, they are growing in front of my face. Soon, they will not make those sweet suckling sounds on their pacifiers. Isaiah Jane has already ditched hers in favor of her thumb. Soon, they will no longer need me for sustenance. We’ve already ventured into the world of solids and I am no longer the sole provider of their nourishment.
It is such a beautiful process, and I’m thankful for it. As I’ve said plenty of times before, I’m not great about the newborn stage, so it’s sort of nice to get these days behind us. But I’m having a hard time finding closure. Do we stop having kids because another one would force us into a fifteen-passenger van? Are we obligated to send each one to college, or buy each one a car? With these beds Chris created, we could practically fit four to a bedroom. Where do we draw the line?
I feel like things are crazy now, but they are manageable. We can all ride in one vehicle to a restaurant and have a meal together. Kids aren’t spilling out of every nook & cranny in our home. The big ones help with the little ones. We’ve hit our stride.
But every day, a small part of me longs for more babies. This article really spoke to me. Children are a blessing, not a burden. Children don’t inhibit my marriage or career or leisure time; they enhance it.
I’d love to have another home birth, in this home we’ve built and created for ourselves. I’d love to watch the sisters get a chance to mother younger siblings of their own. I’d love to be able to give another baby the patience and affection I’ve learned over the last few years. I’m wiser now.
But I’ll be saying that the rest of my life, won’t I? Hindsight is always 20/20. I look back at Ames’ first three months and weep, every single time. We’re destined to learn a new trick or find a new product and wish we’d used it on the last kid. Eventually, even my ninth or tenth child would walk and wean and I’d be left without again… a sweet reminder to keep my family marriage-centered, right?
Some of these milestones are liberating. At some point, we need to leave childbearing behind us. We need to move forward and raise our kids. I am excited about growing old with them.
Someday, Chris & I will take a trip by ourselves. Someday, everyone will be walking on their own two feet, hand-in-hand. Someday, I will not have to pack diapers and snacks for outings. Someday, we will all sleep through the night again. Someday, we will come up for air.
But these days, we’re drowning in babies and I love it.